Part of my implosion seems to have much to do with the way I talk to myself. (Which I do more and more lately--but that's a story for another post.) Anyway, as soon as I get frustrated, the first thing I hear myself say is "I hate everything". Yes, like my brain might be four years old and think that it's the center of the universe. My rational mind knows that chaos rules and that even when it seems like the world is against me, it's just how life is going at that moment and has nothing to do with me. It's that little voice in my head that thinks it's important that's stomping it's little, angry feet.
The other voices I'm hearing more and more lately are those snotty high school girls. You know the ones. The ones who are prettier, smarter, and more creative than you and remind you of it constantly. "Who do you think you are? You can't do that." On the days when I really "can't do that" it just reinforces the building holding my pity party. I'm arrogant by nature, though I try to hide it, and I hate it when the voices in my head are right.
I've been trying to counter Negative Nancy with Grateful Grace. When Nancy is complaining that she hates everything and is mad because I think I'm better than I am, Grace talks about what she's thankful for at that moment. "No, I can't run today because my knee is hurting (AGAIN!) but I can walk and no one has to push me around in a wheelchair." Or "Yes, I know the scale went up a pound instead of down, but I have food to eat and a solid roof to eat it under." Or "The fact that I even have time to write is a gift." Grace is getting her ass beat, but at least she keeps standing up to give it a go.
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