The problem is that no one gets it.

For some reason, people who have failed at multiple relationships think that those failures give them the right to tell you "how it should be". I have several friends on Facebook who like to share those relationship posts. Not long ago I actually read one. I usually avoid them because none of those "rules" apply to me. I am operating in a completely different world from those people and from most of my friends. Thank. You. Lord and Lady.

That said, here's the deal: the post I read basically said that we should be complete people on our own and should not expect there to be someone out there who will complete us.

I call bullshit.

Listen up people, because here's the truth whether you like it or not: The reason we were created so that Tab A fits in Slot B is so that we COULD complete each other. If we are complete in and of ourselves and we don't need other people, why the hell should we get together at all?

Think about it. You know I'm right.

The World Gets In My Way

So, I made both my trips to the gym this week (and was very happy with the weights I moved) but I missed both my runs. Now that I'm lifting heavier, I can't run on the same days I lift because my knees bitch. I was going to try to leave 24 hours between the gym and the run to see how that works, but we had a snowstorm on Tuesday and today Mme. Migraine and Aunt Flo are riding my ass into the ground.

So, my next run is scheduled for Wednesday and it's supposed to storm. I could go to the gym and use the treadmill, but A.) I don't like having a time limit on my workouts and they want you off in 30 minutes. I need 40 or 45 at least. And B.) I think the treadmill is a lot easier than running outside and I sometimes wonder if the benefits translate at all for me.

I am frustrated and feeling sorry for myself today.

I'm a Coward.

Sometimes being a coward is OK. Like when it keeps you from doing something stupid that you'll regret later. I know this from experience. But sometimes being a coward just gets in your way. I wonder how many times I've stopped myself from doing something that would have changed my life for the better. I know there have been a bunch of things I've done that I've been afraid to do that have made be stronger, either because they went well and my life improved or because they flopped horribly and just making it out on the other side alive was an accomplishment.

So, when you're standing on the precipice, how do you know the difference?

You don't. That's part of the lesson. You find out when you get to the bottom and look back up.

Changing My Mind

The absolute hardest thing to do is change my mind. I'm not talking about something simple, like what to eat for supper or what to wear to work. I'm talking about changing the way my mind works and the way I see myself.

I don't like the way I look. I haven't liked the way I look for most of my life. I was always the smart one and my sister was the pretty one. I have learned to appreciate being smart because it's gotten me almost all of what I have today, but in the bottom of my black little heart, I still want to be pretty.

That said, I realized that my quest to be a certain weight and look a certain way was an epic failure when I looked over my weight and measurement logs and saw that I had not made any major changes despite having "worked at it" for two years. So, as of December 30, I announced that what I weigh is what I weigh and my goals were all going to be strength and endurance based.

We're about six weeks into the new year. I have made progress in both my strength and endurance goals. Good, measurable progress. My weight has been consistent within a pound of where I was on December 30. Ya know what? I'm not happy. Even though I'm doing what I said I was going to do, I still look at myself in the mirror and want to look different. Twice recently, I've had to drag myself away from making a weight loss goal. Why, when I'm making great progress toward the goals I've set, can't I be happy?

I actually have an answer to this. It's because I'm not focused. Every time I look in the mirror, I let myself get dragged back to that "Pretty = Good, Thin = Pretty, If I'm not thin, then I'm no good" mindset. (Which I thank my guardian for. She was a little, ballerina of a woman and I have always been curvy and she succeeded in making me feel bad about it. I hate her for it. Which is another waste of time, but that's a subject for another day.) What I need to do is turn my back on that thought every time it comes up. Even though I'm standing on the tracks and I see that train racing toward me, I need to turn my back and continue hammering away at my goal, trusting that the train will stop before it annihilates me.

Imagine that. Imagine standing on the tracks and having to turn your back on the destruction that's looming over you so you can finish your job. No wonder it's so hard to change your mind. No wonder I'm struggling with this. How many among us could do this?

Not many. Just the successful ones.

Novel Three is in Progress

The first one took seven years to finish. The second one took six months from first draft to last. Now I'm working on number three and after a month I have the entire thing framed out and am working on filling in the open spaces.

When I first start a story, I usually write the opening chapters and then skip around writing the scenes that pop into my head. Then I write the ending. After that, it's just filling in the empty spaces. Usually, my chapters equal a day in the life of the characters. I don't write novels that cover a year or more. Generally, it's a month or two and it's a big event that changes the course of their lives.

So, here I am in the middle of the climb, preparing to hike to the summit. Sometimes it's ridiculously easy and sometimes it excruciatingly hard, but the view from the top is always worth it.