Changing My Mind

The absolute hardest thing to do is change my mind. I'm not talking about something simple, like what to eat for supper or what to wear to work. I'm talking about changing the way my mind works and the way I see myself.

I don't like the way I look. I haven't liked the way I look for most of my life. I was always the smart one and my sister was the pretty one. I have learned to appreciate being smart because it's gotten me almost all of what I have today, but in the bottom of my black little heart, I still want to be pretty.

That said, I realized that my quest to be a certain weight and look a certain way was an epic failure when I looked over my weight and measurement logs and saw that I had not made any major changes despite having "worked at it" for two years. So, as of December 30, I announced that what I weigh is what I weigh and my goals were all going to be strength and endurance based.

We're about six weeks into the new year. I have made progress in both my strength and endurance goals. Good, measurable progress. My weight has been consistent within a pound of where I was on December 30. Ya know what? I'm not happy. Even though I'm doing what I said I was going to do, I still look at myself in the mirror and want to look different. Twice recently, I've had to drag myself away from making a weight loss goal. Why, when I'm making great progress toward the goals I've set, can't I be happy?

I actually have an answer to this. It's because I'm not focused. Every time I look in the mirror, I let myself get dragged back to that "Pretty = Good, Thin = Pretty, If I'm not thin, then I'm no good" mindset. (Which I thank my guardian for. She was a little, ballerina of a woman and I have always been curvy and she succeeded in making me feel bad about it. I hate her for it. Which is another waste of time, but that's a subject for another day.) What I need to do is turn my back on that thought every time it comes up. Even though I'm standing on the tracks and I see that train racing toward me, I need to turn my back and continue hammering away at my goal, trusting that the train will stop before it annihilates me.

Imagine that. Imagine standing on the tracks and having to turn your back on the destruction that's looming over you so you can finish your job. No wonder it's so hard to change your mind. No wonder I'm struggling with this. How many among us could do this?

Not many. Just the successful ones.