Rules for My Funeral

1. NO WAKE. I do not want people "mooning and dripping" over my dead body. (Quote from Ila Reyna. If you see her, thank her for me.)
2. NO FUNERAL. See above. Cremate me and do what you will with my ashes. The toilet seems like a fine place. Or you could put me into a stuffed animal that you carry around a la Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love. Whatever. I'm easy.
3. PARTY. Throw one. Invite all my friends and any of yours that have met me even once.
4. JACK DANIELS. Lay in a pretty good supply. You'll need at least a couple bottles to accomplish the next objective.
5. TESTIFY. As folks walk in the door, hand them the bottle of Jack. If they want, they can take a drink. If not, they can just hold the bottle. Say one bad thing about me or tell a story about a time when I was especially bitchy. I am not an angel nor a goddess and I guarantee I will not become one after I die. Tell it like it is. I will not be deified after death.
6. PLAY MUSIC. Goo Goo Dolls, Collective Soul, Black Veil Brides, Scorpions, All That Remains, Three Days Grace, James Taylor, Barry Manilow, John Petrucci, Apocalyptica, Coheed and Cambria and any new music I like.
7. LAUGH. You'll have enough to cry about while you're still alive, don't cry over me. I won't be crying, I promise you.